sometimes i try really hard to write a nice happy pretty post about all the good stuff. like a nice happy pretty skinny blonde chick with sand in her hair and paint on her toe-nails. i try to paint toe-nails and insert grains of sand knowing that as soon as i post something raw and angsty (a converse-footed, black makeuped chick) i will regret it. and when i scroll back over my entries i will skip it and cringe a little in my head. embarrassed, and guilty, because god is incomprehensibly good. if i wasn't so ridiculously self-involved i'd know this more fully.


i feel like there's a pillow in my head.
i feel like i shouldn't say what i feel.
i'm sorry i'm not cooler
like a cucumber
i'm sorry my temperature isn't steady and my feet aren't fixed and firm
i'm sorry i need so much
i'm sorry i don't bottle it up and pack it into crates at the back of my head anymore.