i'm eating nutella straight from the jar.
things are not good.
when i was younger i used to sneak spoonfuls of nutella and feel really rebellious. i'd tiptoe. i'd open the pantry door reeeally slooowly so it wouldn't creak too loud. i'd grab the nutella and select a large silver spoon, heap it on there. close the lid up quickly. look around furtively, rush back to the pantry, put it back in as it was before (angle, label to the front, positioning next to the honey). then i'd tiptoe back to my room.
i used to do it because i really liked nutella and i felt like eating it and i could get away with it because i was young and growing fast and developing a six-pack from all the training i did for swimming. as i got older, and i matured to stealing bacis and lindt balls, the silver spoons were left lying in the drawer. lately i've been avoiding the pantry like i do mathematics. avoiding the fat like i avoid things that make me feel stupid. because it's just not good for me.
but you have the ability to make me feel like a speck of dust. you murder me with your words. you cut me down and empty me, tip me out til i'm dry. you despise me; you make me despise myself (more and more). i feel like the least likeable person in the world. the worst daughter. the most hopeless. useless, pathetic. twenty years old and utterly incompetent. alwaysdoingeverythingwrong. neverdoinganythingright. no hope. idiot.
so now i've taken the entire jar of nutella and i'm staring at half-finished philosophy notes while i mechanically spoon small swirls of it into my mouth. even though i vowed to stop eating crap because i have to wear a bikini in less than two weeks. even though i don't really want it. even though the brown goo doesn't make me feel better. i'm scraping the jar. i'm scraping the edge of self-loathing. i'm desperate to understand what i'm doing here and what i should be and for whom.
things are not good.
when i was younger i used to sneak spoonfuls of nutella and feel really rebellious. i'd tiptoe. i'd open the pantry door reeeally slooowly so it wouldn't creak too loud. i'd grab the nutella and select a large silver spoon, heap it on there. close the lid up quickly. look around furtively, rush back to the pantry, put it back in as it was before (angle, label to the front, positioning next to the honey). then i'd tiptoe back to my room.
i used to do it because i really liked nutella and i felt like eating it and i could get away with it because i was young and growing fast and developing a six-pack from all the training i did for swimming. as i got older, and i matured to stealing bacis and lindt balls, the silver spoons were left lying in the drawer. lately i've been avoiding the pantry like i do mathematics. avoiding the fat like i avoid things that make me feel stupid. because it's just not good for me.
but you have the ability to make me feel like a speck of dust. you murder me with your words. you cut me down and empty me, tip me out til i'm dry. you despise me; you make me despise myself (more and more). i feel like the least likeable person in the world. the worst daughter. the most hopeless. useless, pathetic. twenty years old and utterly incompetent. alwaysdoingeverythingwrong. neverdoinganythingright. no hope. idiot.
so now i've taken the entire jar of nutella and i'm staring at half-finished philosophy notes while i mechanically spoon small swirls of it into my mouth. even though i vowed to stop eating crap because i have to wear a bikini in less than two weeks. even though i don't really want it. even though the brown goo doesn't make me feel better. i'm scraping the jar. i'm scraping the edge of self-loathing. i'm desperate to understand what i'm doing here and what i should be and for whom.
alix exploded at 6:32 PM
4 comments:
that's where the nutella went!
Reminds me of:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
Except replace "nutella" for "chocolate" in my case. *sigh*
yes mark, exactly.
Ah, the Bible's first tongue twister haha. Good ol' Paul!
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