"so, how has your year been?"
i see my cousins, and my aunt and uncle, once a year, at christmas.
all they know about me is my appearance.

"so, how was your first year at uni?"
i can't be myself around them and they can't be themselves around me.
fake smiles and high-pitched giggles, polite and mild-mannered.
silencing personality and disguising passions.

pre
ten
ding.

"do you have a boyfriend now, alix?"
this is the first time i've been able to answer yes at christmastime.
amy's boyfriend and lyndal's fiance came and my two cousins ignored my sisters and i for the rest of the night.
wrapped up in show-offy cheek kisses and firmly gripped hands and too-loud laughter.

there are only a few people with whom i can maintain a good relationship even if i don't see them for months. but overall if you don't see people very often you end up a shell of small talk. most of the time i couldn't be bothered to hold up the pretense, so i end up whispering with lara and messaging my real friends. i turn quiet. i stiffen my back and i suppress my sense of humour. i avert my eyes.

on the way home in the car, i made a pact with my sisters not to ever let our children experience the awkwardness of yesterday. i never want to turn to one of my sisters and ask, like auntie sylvia did of my dad, her little brother, "so how has this year been for you?"