all i can think of is places i'd rather be. all i want is to not be here, now. i want to be where the sun shines more often than not, in a house i decorated myself, with starry calm nights and days where everything looks especially bright. i want saturating colours lighting up my green eyes, and drying my tears.
i want to be someone else, a better daughter in a happier family. one of those families who seem to have picked each other before birth. parents who still hold hands. siblings who ask each other how was your day, and who even answer honestly. a family where the fights always end up comical and the dinners never get lonely. a group of friends who happen to look like each other.
i wish i enjoyed house work. i wish i was better at fighting my natural laziness.
i want to be loved without what i achieve. i don't want to be my uai, my swimming medals, my singing ability, my university results. i am not 99.95, i am not gold, i am not a solo, i am not a high distinction average. i want to be loved, just because. because i am me and though everyone can say that they can't steal mine away.
i don't want to look into her eyes and feel the thin covering of self-esteem i've delicately wrapped around my heart ripped off, one little piece at a time. i don't want to suddenly become conscious of my new-found chubbiness, notice how uncomfortable i feel in extra layers of skin. i don't want to feel the maze of insufficiencies and flaws reaching to the back of my skull. i don't want to shudder uncontrollably at the blemishes and imperfections that collect at the bottom of my soul, like filthy garbage, bursting and belching inside a grimy bin. my complexion is even uglier under the surface, and i can't survive when it swims into focus as a reflection in her eyes. i have to avert, cover, squish shut my eyes.
but the weather's been pretty cloudy lately. and there's no self-decorated home, no calm nights, and certainly no bright colours. there's just this house, this same old circular argument, these familiar raised voices, and what looks like hatred in those pupils. there's just me in a darkened, messy room in front of a back lit computer screen. there's nowhere to go, and there's no way to stop these relationships from exploding at almost regular intervals.
i want to be someone else, a better daughter in a happier family. one of those families who seem to have picked each other before birth. parents who still hold hands. siblings who ask each other how was your day, and who even answer honestly. a family where the fights always end up comical and the dinners never get lonely. a group of friends who happen to look like each other.
i wish i enjoyed house work. i wish i was better at fighting my natural laziness.
i want to be loved without what i achieve. i don't want to be my uai, my swimming medals, my singing ability, my university results. i am not 99.95, i am not gold, i am not a solo, i am not a high distinction average. i want to be loved, just because. because i am me and though everyone can say that they can't steal mine away.
i don't want to look into her eyes and feel the thin covering of self-esteem i've delicately wrapped around my heart ripped off, one little piece at a time. i don't want to suddenly become conscious of my new-found chubbiness, notice how uncomfortable i feel in extra layers of skin. i don't want to feel the maze of insufficiencies and flaws reaching to the back of my skull. i don't want to shudder uncontrollably at the blemishes and imperfections that collect at the bottom of my soul, like filthy garbage, bursting and belching inside a grimy bin. my complexion is even uglier under the surface, and i can't survive when it swims into focus as a reflection in her eyes. i have to avert, cover, squish shut my eyes.
but the weather's been pretty cloudy lately. and there's no self-decorated home, no calm nights, and certainly no bright colours. there's just this house, this same old circular argument, these familiar raised voices, and what looks like hatred in those pupils. there's just me in a darkened, messy room in front of a back lit computer screen. there's nowhere to go, and there's no way to stop these relationships from exploding at almost regular intervals.
alix exploded at 10:03 PM
3 comments:
that description is amazing, I really enjoyed reading it.
and hopefully it all gets better soon. I know it took a while for my parents and me to fully get a long.
thank you very much :)
You want to know something?
I didn't know what your UAI was. I didn't know you had gold in swimming, i knew you sung well but had no idea what kind of singer u were or anything like that, and i wouldnt have had a clue what your marks at Uni are/were - and you want to know something else?
I don't care about them! You are a friend who I love dearly for being you - the fun-loving, caring, humourous, great girl that I know others love too. Take heart, you're awesome!
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