university is my week in boxes, filled in with crudely mismatched colour, an ugly spectrum of busyness, a dance against the clock.

i don't know where my summer life went. it disappeared like me when my dad switches on the cricket on a sunday. i'm out for twelve hours at a time, home for snatches of what masquerades as sleep, and up and out and around again for another twelve hours. at the moment i'm testing myself. i want to be able to do all this. i want perfect tutorial attendance, and rows of high distinctions. and i want to be the one waiting next to the phone in case you need me, and the sister always listening, always praying. and i want to be a soft armchair on which the weary can rest, and i want to be the mother for those who need it, and i want to be the child for those who want to play. i want to be able to swim like i used to (mainly in order to look like i used to). but mostly i want to do it all for the right reasons, for the right man, who hung on a tree so i wouldn't have to do all this forever.

you wish you were as cool as lara and i.