this, this here. this is just another one of those times when i make everything superhugeenourmous and everyone starts to like me a little less. especially me. i start to like me a little less.

my head is a curse. it is the worst thing that ever happened to me. it is over-worked and under-paid. it is illogical and irresponsible. it is lonely and tired.

melodrama, anybody?

i keep a few buckets of it at the back of my head.

you know, just in case. an emergency supply.

one day i want to write something
great
say something in a new way
stop copying everyone else and start writing in big jumps
one small step for mankind, one giant leap for me

you know some people, some friends, have told me they don't like my blog anymore. but i'm going to be me and say that i like it and the writing is more real and less restrained and higher and lower and maybe even deeper.
so there.

i don't want to write a blog that is today i did this then this then this

i want to be random when i feel like it. i want to write stupid stories and bad poems. i want to post colourful pictures. i want to put in bold words at odd spaces and let you figure it out. i want you to read it and maybe not totally get it, but get it enough.

and tonight i want to explain what's going on in my head but i just can't so instead a rant about this crazy blogging thing is in order.
because i can't get you out of my head
and i can't work out if you're in my heart
or if i'm just exploding the world inside.

this (whatever this is) is expensive.

dear, did you know
my ears are alarms
set for you-o-clock
trilling like overweight sopranos
ringing out lonely and pure.
it reminds me
of how i waste my time
when i'm with you
and how funny and intelligent
you know i'm not.


what
is
poetry
andwhycan'tiwriteit
andwhydoiwantto

the beautiful girls at the metro, take two

i saw the ironically named trio at the start of the year at the metro, and it was one of the best concerts i've ever been to, complete with harmonica vs acoustic guitar battles and a half hour encore. my only complaint was that they didn't play my favourite song, so it seems.

last night they rectified that, and came on stage full of reggae beats and distorted effects and a brass section. it was pretty cool again, though it didn't quite live up to february's gig. partly because there was a bouncy baseball-capped guy in front of me who kept swaying seemingly in order to obstruct my view. i went with two sixfootsomething guys who seemed to forget that i'm only almost fivenine.
but still, i had an awesome time. ryan gave me his spare copy of tbg's latest cd, so now it's spinning around on repeat.

today was the hottest day god ever made except not actually.
it was beautiful.
when the sun rises, unhindered, toasty, i rise too.
today my two-hour history lecture went for forty minutes, and half of that time was eaten up by a hungry student evaluation form.
but it was too stunning to go home and, well, too hot to move let alone walk to the station and swelter on a sticky train seat, so i sat with claire and tall sam WHO I FULLY DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS GOING OUT WITH TILL YESTERDAY somefriendiam. some other people came like alice's boyfriend who is called something and a guy called dadadada and claire's friend mickey (i remember her name because it's cool). and eventually phil. we discussed the intricacies of the latest the biggest loser series, or rather decided that the male team should be made up entirely of royal haemophiliacs so that the show could merge with australian princess.
then i was innocently ordering my lunch from the guy at the coffee shop who knows my name and even how to spell it when i was accosted by all my fans i mean friends. friends from school from english from choir. eventually i escaped the rush and sat in the sun with jacob for an hour talking big talk.
then i pretended to be popular at eu, realised it was too much of an effort, and gave up. jake tried to explain secret boy language to me. it apparently consists of speaking about oneself in the third person and doing weird eye twitches. if only it was that simple to decipher boys. [cue music, gaze into distance bold and the beautiful style, music trails off, cut to abswing ad]
then i walked very slowly to the station with dave, which is becoming a common occurrence.
then i went to training and felt like an elephant, except slower and fatter.

as i was walking out of the house yesterday to get to church
i realised that i've owned this skirt since i was fifteen.
and that i have been wearing it to church on various sundays for five years.
either i was incredibly fashion-forward, or i really need to get with the times.

last night bel and i had like ten places we could go but we decided snags and girly chats at ker's topped the list.

bel and i had one of those car talks out the front of my house for two and a half hours and it was lovely. we are like the same person except she got all the pretties and most of the brains.

one day i am going to be in a think tank. just a brain in a big tub with lots of other brains. a tank full of gooey brains. can you imagine?
man in bar: so, what do you do with yourself?
me: i think.

yesterday i went to a mooviee with some kids from uni. ok actually it was like boy's night except i was there. kenmarkjonsebastianjacob. and me. i was the perfect girl, jumping every time something scary or violent happened. mark spent half the movie laughing at me jumping, ken tried to pretend i wasn't being heaps annoying by talking a little too loudly to him, jon was his normal polite self, and seb and jake sat on the end giggling like little girls. wait, maybe they were the perfect girls...

they look after me so well what with letting me sit in the very middle seat and giving me the last quarter of the popcorn and jake asking me are you suresuresureSURE you're going to be ok to get home? even though i was walking to the station with three of the guys.

oh and the movie? it was serenity, and it was pretty cool. i liked the chick who was like sex? i want sex! all the time. i couldn't work out whether she was a good actress playing spaced out, or a bad actress who was spaced out. the role of river, the psychic/psycho girl/weapon, would have been absolutely awesome fun to play.

lior asks me will the battles ever cease? and i just can't answer. i know they will one day, but in the meantime it feels like they won't. my loneliness is real, he says. so's mine kiddo.

what are the chances of two innately sinful people ever getting married? it doesn't make sense in the scheme of this world we've stolen from god.
when people say miracles are dead...
when people speak of 'godincidences'...
i immediately picture marriage and coupledom or whatever it is that is allegedly the holy grail. or something. i mean, the chances that
a.) girl likes boy (and that includes physically, emotionally, spiritually, everythingelselly)
b.) boy likes girl (ditto)
c.) they are compatible in maturity, as people and as christians
d.) they can put up with each others' faults
e.) they can forsee putting up with each others' faults for the rest of their lives, once the euphoria wears off
f.) they meet in the first place
and so on.

don't tell me the odds aren't stacked against you.

don't tell me it's not god with his finger on your shoulder, pushing you towards where you need to be

don't tell me it's not amazing and scary

sitting with a stranger

just about to lose my mind

when you decide the time's not right

and leave me way behind

sitting with a stranger

trying to keep it together

swimming around you holding my breath

waiting for a change in the weather

i heart the idea of love.
i heart the youth group girls and their developing maturity in christ.
i heart conversations in cars out the front of my house.
i heart hanging at the manning couches eating chips and curlywurlies.
i heart looking forward to summer.
i heart how tuesday lunchtimes always seem to go so wonderfully slowly.
i heart john coltrane.
i heart handing in assignments.

i heart getting back good marks for last-minute efforts, but especially for assignments i've really worked hard on.

i heart harmonizing to alicia keys and singing along to joss stone.
i heart swimming freestyle fast.
i heart being impressed by people.
i heart a really good history lecture.
i heart wearing pretty dresses and heels.
i heart genuine compliments.
i heart dancing badly, pretending that no one is watching.
i heart band tshirts.
i heart the tangled pile of beaded necklaces i have near my cd player.
i heart being surprised.
i heart how the holy spirit is transforming my corroded heart.
i heart god's revelation of himself.
i heart jesus.

there is so much planned
in the sky
the clouds burst at carefully stitched seams
just when you least expect it.

and i hate to say it

but i don't need to know where or when or how

(for tonight anyway)

because if you don't know what's happening, there's just no chance at all (really?)
because my head and my heart can't cooperate (why?)
and my eyes are murky (it's true)
so it's up to you to clear the space in front of my face (how?)
to clear the air between us, make the thoughts louder and the words deeper (but...)

i have to throw it all to you now.
i have to let you prove yourself.
i need you to stop laughing at me.
i need you to start crying with me.
i want you to understand me.
i want you to respect me.

i put my media player on random and the first song that played was saw you by playjerise. so i took it off random and let the album play through. the cd, emotionology, is a little gem i unexpectedly picked up last friday night at a gig. making the outside acoustic stage their home, this duo have a penchant for stupid names (see 'playjerise' and 'emotionology') and awesome guitar licks. and i don't even just like them because one of the dudes is ridiculously good looking. promise.
the song came on just then and my heart lifted. really. off my ribs and into my shoulder. (ew, i hope not. taking pulled at my heartstrings to a new level.) it's decent lyrics; it's two guitars in tight unison and messy vocals and basic beautiful harmonies. yet a really full sound, rounded out by the occasional string instrument and that brush drumming thing lior's drummer does so well. stunning stuff, i think. actually the lead guitarist owns the album and the live show. and not just coz he's the hot one either. promise. live, even the lead singer would stop in the middle of a line to go wow how good does that sound to his mate.
but there is this really stupid song that talks about someone called boris and does this hella cliched echoing thing. and no, i haven't really listened to the lyrics, but i can't take any song that talks about a boris seriously. call it a character flaw.
nonetheless. a local band with a tiny following that deserves me to be their newest groupie.
and not just coz of the hot dude.
promise.

i am so tired.
sick and tired of always being sick and tired.
i actually quite like that song, even though i always think anastasia sounds like she's singing through a funnel or something. the bit at the beginning, the chantingesque line of the dude, it's cool. and i love that it's so cliched but sometimes so exactly how i feel.



today belinda said "i can't believe you're going to go on exchange. what am i going to do without you?" and it really surprised me. i don't know why. i feel very helpless. like i can't help others and i can't be helped. i hear about old friends drifting away, for eternity, to infinity, beyond, and all i can do is block it out. stick my fingers in my ears, close my eyes, and hum like a five-year-old. pay extra attention in philosophy (ok, actually pay attention) because if i let it (her, me, the devil, the truth) fill my mind then everything will fall down. and apart. her. me. the world. faith and destiny and all the things that are big and scary and imminent and tiring.

and i have this vehement desire not to go to the one place where everything can be helped, picked up, dusted off, put back together, wiped clean, redeemed. it's perhaps the most frightening desire i've ever experienced.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
at the risk of being heaps angsty
(like i haven't crossed that line before)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOD?
coz i just don't get it.
and i feel like i'm going to explode if you don't give me a release.

like fully oh wow

i never want to hear the engaged sound on a phone again, nor do i ever want to click on 'try again' on a stupid website that won't open. in fact, i'm going to stay well away from ticketmaster for the next little while.

chris martin and those other dudes that play cold music better appreciate this. they better stop in the middle of some mind blowingly brilliant song (and they better be mind blowingly brilliant) just to personally thank those of us who spent many hours and monies acquiring tickets. they better say 'alix, kerensa...you are a credit to your families and your country and stuff. if not for you, we would not be as incontinently rich as we are. thank you for your patience and your service to all of mankind.' and they better get the lighting guy to throw a spotlight on us. and free tickets to the next coldplay gig would be nice too. you know, to make up for the ridiculous sum we spent on tickets this time.

but i can't wait hey.

whatiswrondwithmeican'teven
spell'wrong'properly
ohwaitijustdid
butmyheadis
stilla
mess

she watched him intently. eyes glazed like donuts, wide like plates full of dessert. she was watching him so hard she wasn't really seeing. a thin film danced across the top of her vision, pulling the curtains shut. but still she stared through mascara-laden lashes.
what's that?
a tear.
single, smoothly travelling down her cheek. she didn't notice it to wipe it away. she was listening so hard the licks pressed at her heart, each individual note reverberating her internal organs. shaking her up. tying her down. lifting her over the little crowd. she looked and listened. abandoned every other sense. those fingers calloused with late night rehearsals; that ear tuned by the pencil across paper of insomniac-sponsored songs. eyes closed and half-smiling, he played and she dreamed that it was for her. that the lights would fade out and there would be just too spotlights left, illuminating them, a pair, and magnetising them, pulling them together.
but the elevator reached the top floor and with a jarring ping someone came running out, with a dream to explode. and she heard the voice at the back of her head quietly and incessantly mocking her. shutting her eyes just briefly she gave a quick laugh. at herself. in a similar tone to that of the primary schoolers who used to tease her.
and suddenly the thin film had dissipated and the spotlights had dimmed.

last night kerensa and i went to a gig far far away. we are a comedic duo and we wop wop wop wop wop to every single song. the drummer of one of the bands was checking me out when he was playing but only so he could get to kerensa because kerensa's legs more closely resemble a chicken's than mine do. simmo told me you are a hottie and i told him i think you're hot too and it was awkward for a bit but then we burst out laughing. he provides the self esteem, i provide the fake pearls and mini skirts. and then we went on adventures with some silly boys, eventually ending up at the bottom of a krispy kremes box. we decided that everything cool and phat would now be called pregnant which was hilariously funny at the time and hey still kinda is, like when you compliment a friend on their outfit that outfit is pregnant or when you answer someone when they ask how you're going pregnant thanks and you? i got home at three ay em and i didn't get up until one pee em which provides a nice little pattern for the week NOT.

so i was feeling kinda emo.
shoot me.

and then i got over it.

strange days
spent hours this morning writing an essay that was due yesterday. got to the english office fifteen minutes before it closes and the minute THE SECOND i put one foot in the door the fire alarm went off
as it apparently likes to do on wednesday afternoons
so this fire engine drives up
and like thirty firemen get out
(coz you need thirty firemen to check a building that obviously isn't on fire and just has a dodgy fire alarm that goes off when like two kids start smoking outside)
and one of the firemen was pretty cute ANYWAY
eventually handed it in and headed over for a compulsory i've-just-handed-an-assignment-in-black-bottom-cupcake
and saw spally and amanda yonder
who convinced me to come to their crazy greek tutorial
the tute leader complimented my fake pearls my bracelets my badges my glasses and asked me about jesus
then he talked about freud and incestuousness and piles of garbage in athens with the occasional bit of greek vocab thrown in
it must be tiring to be him because he's so loud and boisterous and jovial and crude and dramatic
but it was the coolest class i've ever been to.

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN IS THE BIGGEST LOSER EVER
sif you'd spend two years making a human out of left-over body parts just to DESERT your poor creation as soon as his eyes snap open because OH MY GOSH he's like ugly and stuff and like wow you can't make stuff as good as god can who would've guessed?
sif you'd be such a coward that instead of taking responsibility for your stupidity and look after the poor confused creature you sculpted so crudely you'd run away with your arms flailing and all sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself and then collapse into a nervous fever for months
WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? yeah i'll just let him roam free and he'll self-combust or something I DON'T KNOW he's just an ugly brute he won't mind that the whole world will shun him because humans are superficial and can't hack his yellowy eyes and the fact that he's eight foot tall don't blame ME i just think i'm the best because i'm eloquent and rich

my head is a swamp of nothing
it is day old porridge someone forgot to throw out
it is hundreds of detuned guitars playing in ugly unison
it is an empty closet
it is a loveless romance
it is completely stupid.

a song of patheticness,

written late on sunday night

while delirious

from too many icy things

and too little sleep

love song for no one, part one

alix: why can't some hot christian boy come up RIGHT NOW and introduce himself?

belinda: I KNOW! it's not that hard!

[boy walks up]

[alix jumps in surprise]

[boy turns off to stand with some friends]

love song for no one, part two

alix: dear lord, please bring a hot christian boy, amen.

[alix looks up, scans the area for hot christian boys. no one appears, so...]

alix: dear lord, please bring a hot christian boy, amen.

mmk blackstump was phat and phun
i took bajillions of photos
phriends were awesome
bands were phantastic
steve sang well cause i lost my voice for him

lara and kerensa need merchandise

jake is a sick dancer and i make all his moves look soooo good

pizza tastes better when it burns the top of your mouth

love tastes better when it's unrequited

i don't like sleeping in a tent
i don't like the whole dirt thing
but i'd go back next weekend if i had the chance.

phully rad musuk and like be their groupies :

my new favourite band maverick

mandatory crying out loud link

sounds like chicken ps dave is hothothot

the amazing joel hockey movement

sons of korah all psalmed up

the idea of north

the wolfes because owen sounds a bit like robert smith